Aries
Just like the air itself, aries is impossible to grasp. That's because they're running really fast. It's time to pick up another project, dear aries, as the stars have decided that you can take on more. The more you stay focused, the more your meaningless job will remind you that to more work you do, the same amount of money you make. Never forget that, aries.
Taurus
Named after an unreliable vehicle, Taurusses are a lot like the engine of a car. And just like a car, dear taurus, your relationships need oil. It's time to focus on who is closest to you and share with them your deepest fears. Take a minute to remember that people have learned to depend on your abilities, and that you shouldn't break down.
Gemini
When you put air in a glass, the air is glass shaped. That's you, dear gemini, you'll fit into any situation you're given and mold perfectly into what's needed of you. Well guess what, pal. It's time to pick a side. Everyone is sick of you waffling back and forth here. You can't be genuine unless you're being genuinely annoying, which you are, most of the time.
Cancer
It's time to stop crying, cancer, your mascara is running again. It turns out if you don't totally let your emotions take over, you can actually get some work done around here. Call up your best friend and see if she wants to go to Disneyland, or maybe start a band. This is going to be your year! Just don't forget to reapply your makeup, and maybe take a shower.
Leo
Not just the name for a fancy lion, Leos are about as obnoxious as lions tbh. That being said, it's not time to share the spotlight, in fact, you should buy another spotlight for all the attention you're about to get. You should audition for a play, or start interviewing for jobs you have no intention of taking. Don't just join an improv group, start one yourself and only allow less funny people to join.
Virgo
Virgo, let's pick up a paintbrush and paint your feelings, but do it before watching 18 episodes of Bob Ross. It's time to let go, stop overanalyzing, and dance to a song you've never heard before. This is a time of growth and exploration for you. Trust in your own intelligence, but don't be afraid to leap without looking sometimes. (unless you're on a bridge, in which case, maybe don't leap at all!)
Libra
Libra, which is short for library to remind you to be more like a librarian. It would do you well to walk around your home or office and quietly yell "shhhh, this is a library!!!" It's time to earn the respect of your peers and the only way to do that is to exemplify the 'tude of an elementary school librarian.
Scorpio
It's time to buy that leather jacket you've been eyeing and put on some AC/DC (on vinyl, not Spotify, you poser). The hottest person you'll ever meet is going to walk by your house and you need to look really cool. Definitely don't tell them you're a scorpio, though.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius is the hardest zodiac sign to spell, which is pretty representative of you, dear sag (see I had to shorten it bc I'm sick of typing it already). You're needlessly complicated. It's time to tone it down a bit. Instead of meal prepping this week, buy a few frozen pizzas instead. If you cook them 15 degrees hotter than the box says, they will come out nice and crispy.
Capricorn
Capricorn, have you considered dyeing your hair pink? I think it would look really good on you. You should go through your closet this week and make a spreadsheet of all the t-shirts you own, and then log every time you wear one. It'll be fun. And worthwhile. And while you're doing that, try not to think about all of the people you have disappointed in your life.
Aquarius
The only possible thing that could make an aquarius cool is the fact that it starts with aqua, which is also the name of the band who wrote the hit single "Barbie girl." So the best thing you can do is buy yourself a boombox and put that song on repeat when you're walking around, then people will like you for playing the hit single "Barbie girl." Everyone likes that song.
Pisces
Probably the most tolerable of the water signs, pisces, you have a lot going for you. You should get together with some cancers and scorpios, and instead of having a pity party as you may naturally want to do, you should teach them how to handle their emotions in a slightly better way, like you do! Did you know that the term for 3 different water signs hanging out is called a water bed?